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| When visiting the SOUTH |
When visiting the SOUTH
Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to All Visiting Northerners and
Northeastern Urbanites:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at
Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them
cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kickyour ass.
2) Don't
laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, LutherRay, Tammy Lynn, Darla
Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis,etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick your
ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. Down here it's called
Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or
whatever -- it's still just a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an
ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you
e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner. We are also better educated and generally a lot
nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your
ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner
Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally we do, sometimes, have
small lapses in judgment e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't
care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our
state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick
their ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments or complain about the
Rebel Flag. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg
instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond
instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the
carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity
is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or
we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone
will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended --
with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9)
Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass
kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we
know better. Many of us have visited Northern shit holes like Detroit, Chicago,
and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is
ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we
know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to
sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All
other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters.
Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain
that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught
fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the
way back to Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say
sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks
because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around
our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your
ass just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or losers because
most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense not to
live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Newark. Make
fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15) When you see a line of
cars with the lights on and little purple flags on top of each vehicle, please
note that this is a FUNERAL. Some dear southerner is on the last road to meet
their maker. Do not try to pass, cut the line or interfere with this process in
any way. Stop your car and show respect for the deceased. If not, before we
haul your sorry ass to jail, you will have your ass seriously kicked.
16)
Last, but not least, DON'T DARE come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue.
This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you
snowbirds come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and you will go home in
a pine box -- minus your ass. |
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